The North and South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.
The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.
The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
In the South --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....
do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.
They can't understand you either.
The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.
All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.!
Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD

This has always been one of my favorite jokes. I probably have it on my blog already but to lazy to look.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy.

You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't mess with old people

The Broken Mower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck,
the car, playing golf -- always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral of this story:
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in
shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want
to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Can't have it both ways.

I am such a bad blogger. I have so many good intentions but then something always pulls me the other way. I am glad I stay busy. Idle hands. You should know the rest.



Whiskey Attitude
Recently one Congressman from a Bible belt congressional district was asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
The politician responded, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
He continued, "But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise."

Exercise Pointers

-It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $50,000 per month.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 40,000 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country running, start with a small country.


Overweight
Patient says: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am.
Doctor says: Maybe you would prefer to look at it in a different way. According to this chart, you're about 10 inches too short.

The Coat Hanger

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and Stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys In the car. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told The baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the Fever was getting worse. She said, 'You might find a coat hanger and Use that to open the door.'
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that Had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time Had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and Said, 'I don't know how to use this.' She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five Minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, Bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The Woman thought, 'This is what you sent to help me?' But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, 'Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some Medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? He said, 'Sure.' He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, 'Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.'
The man replied, 'Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of Prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out For about an hour.'
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
'Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional!'

Free Samples

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a gal fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later she came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor.
Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.
"Well, what do you think" her hubby asked smiling.
"Next time," she replied. "I'm writing to BMW!"
;-)

Letter to employee's

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.
But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six “Obama For Change” bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for change; I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS.....

A 21st Century Marriage

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.
As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet,
a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided.
"I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Hiccups Cure

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.

What the world has come to

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’
The next day someone stole it!


I found this over at www.bloggled.com/blog/

Collection of apologies for not blogging

"I got promoted to an officer in my World of Crafts guild "
"I've been honestly overwhelmed by trying to keep up with my two language courses"
"I forgot my password..."
"I've been busy shooting pictures of soccer teams."
"I've been very depressed since Ginger died."
"I was planning on working more on my Sims characters. "

Not really.....Just something I found while surfing blogs.

Flat tire

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before the Highway Patrol pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly. "Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers!"

Some Crazy Conspiracy in Our Time

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW -even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

George and Moses

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".

Facebook Addict

Katrina stands up slowly & says....My name is Katrina & I am a Facebook addict. Then she bows head in shame. While the whole time sitting next to all her friends at the same meetings.

AN UPDATE TO THE NOTE:

AN UPDATE TO THE NOTE:
Dear Mrs. Jones, I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole.
It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

SEE

Always Check your childs homework from my December post

40 Tips For A Better Life - 2009

I am so sorry I have not posted in a bit. I will have a post in the next day or so. I will explain.
Here is something to get you by until then. A high school friend of mine I had gotten back in touch with awhile back sent me this.Thanks Selena for the real things we can do.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile.
It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
3. Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement,
'My purpose is to __________ today.'
5. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
6. Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.
7. Make time to practice meditation and prayer.
They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
9. Dream more while you are awake.
10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured IN plants.
11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds, & walnuts.
12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
13. Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk, and let new and flowing energy into your life.
14. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts, or things you cannot control. Instead, invest your energy in the positive present moment.
15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a l ifetime.
16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.
18. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
26. Forgive everyone for everything.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. REMEMBER, GOD heals everything.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
31. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful .
32. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
33. The best is yet to come.
34. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
35. Do the right thing!
36. Call your family often. (Or e-mail them to death!)
37. Each night before you go to bed, complete the following statements:
I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
38. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
39. Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life, so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.
40. Share this with those you care about. I just did.

May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but happiness come through your door!